Monday, December 7, 2009
fucking cb kiao tor ah knn. i cant believe i actually wasted a year being with a muslim. and muslims are like, fucking retarded people who actually believes in some self proclaimed jackass prophet that talks shit in his little book for islamic idiots. and he actually teaches muslims to rape woman because they captured them as loot after some fucking raid.? WTF? which religion teaches you to raid villages and pillage them? and then rape their women!?? its kinda bad ass but its fucked up, its like being those low level 1 bandits that you have to kill to earn experince. except these bandits have some dynamites strapped onto them and they kamikaze you. and they dont use the word kamikaze, they call it fucking jihad. to jihad someone and receive their little own epiphany and resolve in life. WTF? and you need 4 fucking witnesses to say that someone raped someone. like for example, if andy went to rape charis, in order for that so called RAPE to be seen as RAPE in the eyes of islam, 4 other people must have witnessed the act. SO WHO THE FUCK ACTUALLY JUST WITNESSES SOMEONE RAPE SOMEONE? AND HOW THE HECK DO YOU GET 4 PEOPLE LOOKING AT IT AT THE SAME TIME? seriously, any muslims that read this, fuck your religion seriously. you actually believe this kinda shit? i have nothing against you, just something against islam. THATS SCREWED UP.
why do people want to believe in fucking mohammud and some moon god called allah. they keep saying allah is the same god that christians worship! and im like your screwed up. God doesnt recognize your shitty prophet. he only knows Jesus. and that shitty prophet, was the only one that didnt do miracles. or made any sense in whatever he says. and no prophet would teach people to raid other villiages and rape their women. its like going into someone's house and stealing his food and shitting in his house. muslim people, especially MAISARAH MISKOON, has a problem with herself. cause apparently she doesnt even read the quran, and believes in hearsay of being muslim. its fucking ridiculous. man made laws for self deserving righteous people. fuck you muslim shit, stop loitering under my void decks or ill start rearing pigs and dogs.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i used to come to this place... all the time. now i dont anymore, like how i havent been to church and stuff. but yet time and time again, i still feel that nostalgic feeling of blogging whenever i see these posts. the one i live for, still reigns here.
i used to pin up long posts, to type continuously, as though i wanted to pen everything i knew, down into this html interface. i wanted to make a book for myself, i asked God once that when the day ill meet with him, could i have a history case file about myself kinda thing. now im doubtful about myself somehow, like im back being cynical, indecisive and sarcastic.
im back to hating the world, and all its denizens. i used to love everything God made, now i feel as though i've out grown it all. what happened to my simplicity? now all i think about is work, and making sure i have enough money to provide for my mom and dad.
i have not done anything fun anymore, im sick with my life. i need a change... God, you promised me cricket, i dont see it. am i putting matters too much into my own hands? i need a sign... even how insipid it might be... i want to stop hating. im done with being the grouch.
im too young to be this old haha. 20 year old kid being called an uncle haha.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
sometimes you just wish you could freeze time, but yet without time, theres nothing else to live for. without time, there will be no function. just as for everything else, the law of cause and effect. when in relation to time, cause and effect seems to apply. but why does cause and effect have to be in relativity together with time and space? i think im not making any sense here but oh wells, SO LAME.
if only it wasnt that way so, for us.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
finally, YOUR MINE. well in a official sense. haha. right? girlfriend?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
have you ever felt like the worst of yourself had to just come out and do its work just so you could satisfy your own heart aches? and later having to get the fall and wishing it all didnt just happen that way? and how you so wish you could change your circumstances so that you could hold the things that really do matter to you? so weird sometimes i feel as though i should indulge in my own self-loath cause the problem might be me but ill later realise that it isnt about me but rather the things around me, circumstances and all. so pissing off.
its so irritating, like how the circumstances really didnt matter at all, but it was so insidious and now its relapsing and its ARGHH, like just killed off the feelings i felt so dear for. even my actions seem to act against me now, its like ohh the irony kinda thing, and lame.
if i could i would take my words back, it aint pleasing that i do but i do beseech you to forgive me for you matter more to me then anything else right now. the things we do, the way you are, the way we can be, the things i can feel, i cant let them go, it just breaks me up whenever i think we would have to let it go.
hopefully things get better when i see you later, i hope im not trying too hard.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
looks like i was right about everything. you couldnt understand me even if you wanted to. no wonder it felt so weird on friday. guess thats what that has been pulling us back all this while, your inability to understand me but your desire to want me. seems pretty clear to me, even if you didnt have to say a word. gosh i hope my hunch was right about you reading this blog, i hope you did. it would make things so much easier for me. as much as i wanted this, you were limelight all the time, i was never the one you could harness, you could only dream about it but not have it. how i thought i mighta have the right one, i was so wrong yet so right at the same time. a crossfire between my thoughts and my feelings all this awhile ever since we started talking and shit, now a crossfire between you and me EVERYTIME WE'RE TOGETHER. i so wish you had read this blog, least it makes things easier for me. i thought we could, i thought i could, but no, you just pull me away everytime im too close, so much so that you think im trying to make a dig at you, a joke. if you wana know why, its cause you were never serious about this, this is why you hurt now, not me. i was willing to share everything but you had to think you could comment on everything. im so glad we're not even together, i've never felt so disapointed about my life in a really long time. if i really did insult you, i guess it was cause i was right, and you didnt want me to pinpoint these flaws. fear of intimacy yet choose to wield its tapestry. i so wana take back everything ive said, everything i've done, everything i chose to gave. and patent them with memories that did not happen at all. looks like the little bitching blog was right about much things too. easily swayed i said, i take it back, i was prudent in deciding to check things out rather then ignore them. i so hope that this just didnt happen at all. ahh fuck it.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
HELLO again, after a long long long time. i guess i turn to you ol blog whenever i just feel like it huh. i guess its a good thing. its like i find solace in pouring in my inner thoughts over every single aspect of my life into words and onto a very well dependable html interface once again.
have you ever thought about living your life for someone? whether it would be worth it, worth your time, worth spending your special moments with? sometimes you wonder if its just those physical desires; to satisfy them or just to rid yourself from loneliness. so much so to the extent that you dont really like that other person but yer hung on about it, hoping that being apathetic and lethargic about it could be excused by "liking someone isnt about feelings, its about sharing your moments!" probably just because you just dont wana be alone. selfish aint it, these desires. pride seems to hold people back, riddiling your mind with thoughts that seem so incoherrently RIGHT, and NORMAL but yet hurtful and insidious. everything seems so mediocre and insipid, for the first time in my life, being in it doesnt make sense at all. its like... just fulfilling these silly ideas of having someone for you ALL THE TIME! but a pity it is, an intimacy that has no significance.
sometimes i had hoped i was a little bolder and firm. daring and less rationale, being able to speak up my mind whenever i feel like it. but hurt and pride seems to pull people back. if there was ever a reason to be close to someone, i wish i had that of love, so it wouldnt hurt so bad if i did loved, at least i tried loving. but for this, i couldnt even if i wanted to, i tried and it felt so akward and unwilling for me. SOPHISTICATED and COMPLICATED it seems to you, but its that of prudence that i chose to be in this. simple you wished it was, but simple it wont be without love nor heart. all of a sudden this feels so one sided, and i wish that i could reciprocate somehow. how i wish that you hadnt started this at all, that i would be the one chasing and yearning for your heart, instead of now, having to figure out if i really do have your heart now. ohh natural you wanted it, but you had to carpe diem, leaving me exposed and unsure about my feelings, feelings not yet matured and harnessed. if only you didnt, i would have been so fixated about thriving for your heart rather then unfolding mine and weaving them back to be patented with liking you. trying to put them floating ideas of being with you, and BEING WITH YOU NOW, seems so... uncanny at first i thought, but oh so asinine of me to tamper with what cannot be tampered but to be appointed and given with ease and morality.
how weird this is, how i hope i had loved and not be chasing skirts and staying swivelled and moving in circles. haha. least it wouldnt make me cringe in a way that seems so unjustified and unhonorable. if only i could liberate myself from this vulnerable position and be vindicated from all this... unjustified heart ache.
